The Civil War Story

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 02:40:17 GMT

Miss Penny’s new dress looks so darn pretty I could cry. I want to hold her and tell her how pretty she looks and maybe even kiss her again if I could, but Miss Penny is worlds away from me tonight. She’s goin’ to a pretty white peoples party and I ain’t allowed to know her right now. Master’s paradin’ her out for everyone to see like she’s a pretty doll and I can see she don’t like it. Master and all his friends is outside and gonna go to the party together. Master keeps sayin’ things like ‘Ain’t she so pretty?’ and ‘She’s gonna find her a nice husband in this dress.’ I don’t know why she would want to find a husband, though. Master keeps sayin’ she’s got to marry, but a husband is already married, so that won’t do her much good at all.

I ain’t supposed to be here, but I wanted to see Miss Penny afore she went, so I’m hidin’ ‘round the corner and makin’ sure they don’t see me. It’s kinda dark out, so I’m harder to see.

Miss Penny don’t look happy at all. Her hair is done up all nicely, and she’s dressed so so pretty, but she keeps lookin’ at the ground and only shruggin’ when Master asks her questions. If I could see her face, she’d be frownin’. Her eyes would be midnight sky blue. She’d probably be cryin’ if she could. I would let Miss Penny cry. I would hold her and rock her till she fell asleep, ‘cause she does that a lot after she cries. Says it makes her tired. But afore I can see her face she gets into the coach and the horse trots along.

I ain’t too sure what to do now, so I turn around, but then I turn back. I wanna see Miss Penny leave, even if it does make my chest hurt something fierce. For a second I think I see somethin’ lookin’ back at me, but then it’s gone, and Miss Penny’s blond hair won’t be comin’ back till mornin’, so I sneak back off to my hut and try to sleep. But I ain’t gonna sleep. Not yet, anyways.

~~

Tonight’s onea those nights I keep thinkin’ ‘bout Mama. Always when Miss Penny’s gone I wanna talk ‘bout her. Then when Miss Penny comes back, I don’t. But she do. A lot. But I’m so sicka thinkin’ ‘bout Mama by the time she comes home I don’t wanna think ‘bout it no more. But I always do.

That was the first night Miss Penny snuck me into the house. She said she had something special to show me…

“You sure it’s okay for me to go in there?” Tadalesh asked on the breath of a whisper, looking around with nerves radiating off his skin like he was about to fall into a fire and explode.

“Daddy can’t say nothin’ if you’re with me,” Penelope insisted, grabbing his grimy hand and tugging him up the stairs. “Shhhhhhhhhh. I don’t wanna get caught.”

“But if it’s okay-”

“I didn’t say it was okayyyyyyyyy.”

“But you just said-”

“Shhh, they’re coming!” She tugged the boy into a closet with her, leaving it open a crack for air and so they could see. Pressed so tight together, the slave looked down at her curly hair, a bit confused and almost scared to touch her. But he had no choice; clothes were baring down on them, and if they didn’t touch then they risked exposure.

There was a small sound. A man chuckling at some private joke, and then a shadow that crossed the door, cloaking them in the security of an extra blanket of darkness. They could see the back of a woman, a woman darker than night with the weakest of smiles on her face; one that said she was doing something she really didn’t want to do, but had no choice. As if she’d had practice before. But before Tadalesh could comment on what his mother was doing there, the man took her into his arms, kissing her gently, stroking her hair and peeling off her clothes. Penny just wrinkled her nose. “They do funny stuff,” she breathed, pressing a little more back into the clothes behind her. “It makes me feel kinda funny too.”

“Do we gotta be here?” If it were anyone else, he wouldn’t dare question. But the small child behind him wasn’t his superior; she was his friend. At least she acted like it. She didn’t get annoyed when he questioned, at any rate, and since he had a lot of questions, that was good for him. “I don’t wanna see Mama doin’ funny stuff with Master.”

“What’s going on in here?” The sudden, unexpected, and crisp voice of the Mistress of the House broke the relative solitude and strange feelings permeating the air, and Penny mysteriously curled into the strong boy next to her, as if he could shield her from the argument about to ensue. But he couldn’t protect her from the sight they saw next.

“Bunny!”

I sit up and wave my arms a little, heart thumpin’ hard. The memory always gets my head feelin’ like, and I ain’t never get to breathe right. It hurts. In my head. And my heart.

But Miss Penny is standin’ there, soppin’ wet from the rain, and the beautiful dress Umi spent so much time makin’ is ruined. I get up and bring her my blanket. It ain’t much, but it’s somethin’, and I wrap it ‘round her and make her sit in the middle so she ain’t near any windows. I don’t want Miss Penny gettin’ sick again. She gets sick so much, I don’t wanna make her sick if I don’t gotta.

“Whatchu doin’ here?” I ask her, sitting down and holdin’ her close and rubbin’ her so she’ll stay warm. I don’t want Miss Penny to get sick no more.

“I wanted to see you.” She holds me close. Says it like I shoulda known that already. And maybe I did, but Miss Penny ain’t supposed to be here. I open my mouth to ask and she sighs, so I don’t ask. “The party was outside. When it started raining, I took the chance to come home through the woods. I know Father will be pretty upset, but I can just say I felt ill and he’ll leave me alone. Or he should, at any rate.”

I nod slowly and just nod some more. Miss Penny was right. Master would do anythin’ for her. He don’t like makin’ her upset. He don’t like makin’ her sick. He does everythin’ she ever wants. So Miss Penny’ll be fine. At least, the Master won’t hurt her none. Not tonight.

“You gonna get sick.” I look down at her, and she looks back at me. There’s somethin’ in her eyes that makes me feel hot all over, even though it’s kinda cold in here. I’m gettin’ this weird tinglin’ in my head. My heart starts to pound real hard again. I swallow, ‘cause my throat feels dry, and then I swallow again. Nonea this is goin’ away. She just looks at my eyes, then my lips, then my eyes again, real slow like, and my fingers start shakin’ a little.

“I wanted to see you.” She touches my face with her fingers, pets me like I’m her kitty cat, all with that sweetest of sweet smiles on her face. Her eyes are blue, so blue, icy blue and cold day rain blue and she’s about to kiss me blue. Her lips touch mine. Just a little. Not a lot. It ain’t enough. I want more.

But Miss Penny pulls back and looks down at the ground, and when she looks up at me again her eyes are deep and dark and scary. I stroke her hair, ‘cause I don’t like seein’ her so sad. I don’t want Miss Penny to be sad no more. I think she’s about to ask me ‘bout my Mama, when she starts cryin’. I jump a little, ‘cause Miss Penny ain’t actually cried ‘bout Mama in years, and I ain’t sure what to do. What if someone hears us?

“Oh Bunny.” Her voice is all croaky like a frog, and it digs at me somethin’ awful. It hurts just to hear. I hold her as close as I can, ‘cause I don’t wanna hear that voice no more, but she keeps cryin’, and keeps sayin’ over and over, “Oh Bunny, oh Bunny.”

“What’s wrong, Miss Penny? What’s wrong?” It’s all I can keep askin’, ‘cause I don’t know what to do. What if someone hears us? She can cry pretty good, loud ‘nough so the whole plantation can hear her if she wants when she’s in her room. With the windows shut. I don’t want her doin’ that. We’d get in pretty big trouble.

But she don’t scream none. Instead she kisses me again, soft and sweet. I like the taste of her lips. They taste like blueberry. I like blueberries. But then she pulls away again, and wipes her hand over her face, and I just sit there very, very confused. I’m ‘bout to ask again when she whispers, “I’m going away. For a very long time.” She looked up at me, and her whole bottom lip and jigglin’ back and forth.

“Where you goin’?” I ask, not wantin’ to believe her. Miss Penny can’t go away. There’s a war. She could get hurt.

She starts breathin’ really heavy like, and then she cries some more. It takes a long time afore she finally says, “I’m getting married.”

I lick my lips and swallow. I ain’t ready to hear that. Miss Penny gettin’ married means she’ll go away. And she won’t be able to take me with her. And then Master’ll send me away. And I won’t ever get to see her again. “W-when you gettin’ married?” I ask real quiet like, ‘cause I’m scared my voice is gonna sound like a frog, too.

Miss Penny looks down at the ground again, but she don’t say a word. Instead she kisses me. Real hard. She pushes me to the ground and then holds me close, shakin’ and cryin’, and all I can do is hold her. Sometimes kiss her. Pet her hair like she’s a kitty cat. But it don’t make her feel better. It don’t make me feel better, neither.

~~

Umi’s pretty dress that she worked so hard on is ruined. It’s all wet and dirty. Miss Penny sighs a little. It’s mornin’ now. Master is gonna be comin’ back soon. She’s gotta go inside and lay down and pretend to be sick. “Poor Umi,” she said softly. “She worked so hard on this dress.” She touches it gently, as if maybe that’ll bring it back, but it ain’t comin’ back. Not now. Not never.

“You should go now.” I just want her gone. It hurts to look at her. Look at her in that pretty pretty dress that has big black spots on it now and know that she’s gonna be leavin’ me. That soon ‘nough, I ain’t never gonna see Miss Penny again. “You should go afore the Master comes home.”

And all of a sudden she kisses me again. Her arms is around me and my arms is around her and we’s kissin’ and the sun is comin’ up and people are startin’ to wake. “I love you.” The words are sudden, and I gotta blink to make sure I heard her right. “I love you so much, Tadalesh, please say you love me?”

I look at her a bit, not sure what to say, and then she starts runnin’ away. And I blink. Wait wait wait. Where’s she goin’? She can’t just run away now, that ain’t fair. And while I don’t normally go after her when she’s runnin’, I grab her hand and I tug her somewhere where we can’t be seen, and I kiss her again, and I say, “I love you.”

I ain’t too sure what love is. Papa talked about it to me afore the Master sold him. He said he loved Mama very much. He said love was a tinglin’ feelin’ he got when he thought ‘bout her, a tinglin’ feelin’ he got when he kissed her, a tinglin’ feelin’ he got when she was there. So if that’s what love is, I guess I got it. I got it for Miss Penny real bad. And when she makes a perfect o with her mouth and then smiles real slow, I get tingles all down my back.

“Run away with me.” Miss Penny looks at me, and I again ain’t too sure what to say. “Please, Bunny, let’s get away from here. We can go to Charleston and go to France and no one will ever bother us ever again.”

I wanna say yes. I wanna say no. I wanna say nothin’ and run away so I can think about it. I don’t like it here, but I don’t wanna go to France. I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout it, ‘cept that it’s far away. But Miss Penny looks so happy sayin’ it, and she wants me to say somethin’, I know…

“PENELOPE!”

Master is home. She looks at me with sad eyes, and I just watch her leave and let go of her without wantin’ to so she can sneak back into the house. I dunno if she’s gonna make it. But she’ll get by. She always does.

I turn around and head for the fields with everyone else, and then look back at where she went. Maybe… maybe she don’t.

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 00:41:02 GMT

Miss Penny got real sick last night. I can tell because it’s rainin’ like the sun ain’t ever gonna shine again and Miss Penny ain’t outside screamin’ and dancin’ and laughin’ and there ain’t nobody yellin’ at her to get back inside before she catches cold. But Miss Penny never catches cold, not from the rain. Miss Penny only gets sick when she spends summer nights curled up next to me, breathin’ like she ain’t gonna wake up in the mornin’ and wakin’ up all the time to look at me like I’m gonna disappear through her silky fingers. But I ain’t never gonna disappear, not when she’s right there holdin’ me down. Miss Penny is the glue that keeps me holdin’ on to this earth all nice and tight.

Mama once said that Miss Penny is a bit strange. Maybe she is, maybe she ain’t, but I sure do know that Miss Penny likes to talk about Mama all the time. One time Miss Penny told me that my Mama shoulda been her Mama, but when I told Miss Penny that that meant she’d have to work in the fields with me she shut her mouth real quick. But sometimes I think Miss Penny wants to say it again. She don’t, though. She just sits there and stares at me with big eyes like she’s got something to say and then she makes me do something like stoke up the fire or get her sewing kit so she can keep on fixin’ Bunny, because he sure is the saddest lookin’ thing in the whole wide world.

She sneaks me into the house tonight, though she don’t come herself. When Miss Penny wants me to spend the night hidin’ under her bed to keep the ghosts away Umi comes on down when I’m supposed to be sleepin’. Umi comes on down when I’m supposed to be sleepin’, but who can sleep when Miss Penny is so far away tossin’ and turnin’ and coughin’ and achin’? Who can sleep if Miss Penny ain’t lyin’ there on a sticky summers night and tossin’ and turnin’ and wakin’ and sleepin’? Who can sleep if Miss Penny ain’t screamin’ at the top of the hill ‘TAKE ME TOO!’ and dancin’ and laughin’ and makin’ people scream at her? I sho’ can’t. Umi comes on down and I’m layin’ and starin’ at the ceiling and waiting for Miss Penny to crawl in soppin’ wet and grinnin’ like she stoled a pretty necklace. “She wants to see you.”

I get up and go very quiet like, ‘cause if Master finds me I know Miss Penny will cry to get me to stay and then when she falls back asleep he’ll whip me somethin’ good and send me back outside. Maybe Miss Penny is strange, I think to Mama, ‘cause I remember when a boy came over sometime last summer and saw her talkin’ to Umi like Umi wasn’t supposed to be a slave he said somethin’ that sounded like That Girl Is Crazy. But even if Miss Penny is crazy, that’s okay, because Miss Penny makes the world go round. And Miss Penny once told me, this world is a crazy crazy world, Bunny. Be glad you live in a place that makes some sense. But this place don’t make no sense when Miss Penny goes away.

Umi hands me a towel at the door and we clean each other up all nice and neat like so there ain’t no water all over the house, and then we tip toe through the halls and up the stairs real slow until we reach Miss Penny’s room. I get down on all fours and crawl in and down underneath her bed without sayin’ a word, ‘cause lookin’ at Miss Penny layin’ there sick and pale and sweaty and with her hair spread out across the bed and the moon makin’ her look like a ghost scares me more than I can say. I’m scared Miss Penny’s gonna die tonight. She’s almost died lotsa times. She told me once she wanted to, but that Master keeps gettin’ doctors to make sure she stays alive.

Miss Penny told me once that she thinks dyin’ will be better than livin’. And every night since then I pray that if Miss Penny dies tonight dyin’ is a whole lot better than livin’, because I don’t want her to be disappointed none.

I hide under the bed and listen to Umi sit back down in her rockin’ chair and rockin’ back and forth, the creak soundin’ even louder when I press my ear to the floor. I lay my head down and then lift it up, then lay my head down and lift it up again. I keep myself entertained, but I keep myself awake, ‘cause if I see Miss Penny’s soul fly out the window I wanna be the one to jump up and grab it. Miss Penny asks me to keep the ghosts away from her bed when she’s sick, but I ain’t never seen no ghosts. I just see bits of her soul tip toin’ outta bed and goin’ out to run in the storm and play, but they don’t come back when the sun comes out. So I gotta crawl out and grab them and put them back in. But I don’t do it when Umi is watchin’ or Miss Penny is awake, ‘cause Umi would look at me funny and Miss Penny would tell me to let it go. And when I put the piece back into her, I think I’d get in trouble.

Umi falls asleep real quick, and the dress she’s sewin’ for Miss Penny falls outta her hands. I crawl out from under the bed and look at it and smile. Umi sews stuff real nice like, and they always make Miss Penny look like a princess. I made a crown for Miss Penny once, out of lots of flowers I had seen, and she gave me the biggest smile in the whole wide world. But it died the next day and Miss Penny got this sad look on her face that wouldn’t leave no matter how many other crowns I made, so I don’t make crowns for Miss Penny no more. I just pick her flowers and put them in a nice bunch and hold them out to her when she comes to visit in the middle of the night, because princesses deserve flowers, even if they gotta go and die the next day.

This dress is something that’s supposed to be for somethin’ real important like later on in the month. I don’t know what it’s for, but Miss Penny was talkin’ about it. It’s a really big party that she says I can’t go to, but she says she’ll tell me all about it and visit me in the really pretty dress. I think that Master won’t let her show me the really pretty dress, but I hope she will anyway. I think Miss Penny looks so pretty no matter what she wears. But this is a nice dress that’s sky blue, like the way her eyes are when she’s thinkin’ real happy thoughts. Maybe the happy dress will make her happy, and then her eyes can stay that color all the time, and I won’t have to be sad about her bein’ sad no more.

I hear something soft and I turn around and Miss Penny’s rolled over. Her hand flops out of the bed and dangles uselessly and for a minute it’s so still I think she died and went to heaven and I wanna start cryin’. But then she breathes in deep and I smile. Her arm is shiny and wet, and I look from the tips of her shiny fingers up to the ends of her shiny hair and I frown and go over and feel her forehead real lightly like so she don’t feel me. Miss Penny feels really hot, like she swallowed a fire and it ain’t left her body yet, so I just sit down cross legg-ed on the floor and wait for her soul to leave, ‘cause I know it will.

It’s funny. Whenever I wake up in the summer back in the hut and Miss Penny is curled up like an angel, her soul don’t leave her once. Not once. She just lays there and looks like the perfectest angel in the whole wide world. But when she asks me to go up to her room and make sure the ghosts don’t get her, her soul is leavin’ all the time. I know why. This room scares her. She’s scared that my Mama and her Mama are gonna rise up outta the floor and stab her in the face and curl their hands around her neck. It was awfully mean of Master to make her keep this room after our Mamas died in it, but he said that the ghosts couldn’t get her. I think the ghosts get her all the time, even when she’s at the fancy school in Richmond. I’m a little surprised they ain’t killed her yet. But maybe it’s ‘cause I’m always thinkin’ ‘bout her that they can’t do it. I’m her pro-tec-tor. She told me so. So I gots to make sure that she stays alive so I can keep on doin’ it.

I don’t know why Mama would wanna hurt her as a ghost, though. Mama loved Miss Penny, like Miss Penny came outta her instead of outta her Mistress. But when she was dyin’, she looked right at us, ‘cause she knew we was there. And instead of lookin’ at me, she looked right at Miss Penny. And then her eyes went dead and she was dropped to the ground and the man who did it left the room. And ever since then Miss Penny’s been real afraid of ghosts comin’ to get her. She don’t think her Mama will come. She says her Mama never loved her. But my Mama did, so she says that means that she’s gonna come and hurt her in the middle of the night, and Miss Penny is scared of bein’ hurt.

There! There it is. She lets out a gasp that shakes the whole room and I see a long trail of somethin’ white leave her mouth and fill up everythin’. It dances around all of us and laughs in our faces and crooks it’s finger at me as if it wants me to follow. And then it grows very, very small, and tries to slip out underneath the door. But I get up and bolt over and I try to be quiet as I tackle its tail and grab it and drag it back to the bed. I know Miss Penny wants to go, but I need Miss Penny here. With me. So even though I want Miss Penny happy, Miss Penny is just gonna havta wait.

It takes a long time for her soul to finally decide it’s lost. And when it does it sags and gets pulled along the floor and makes sad sounds like it’s cryin’. I don’t think Miss Penny’s soul wants to be in her body no more. But I gotta put it back. For me. For her. For all of us.

I tug on the tail and I tug and tug and tug and pat it into place until it turns into a small ball that I can put in my mouth. I hold it up to my face and I open my mouth and I take a deep breath and feel it pop into place. And then I keep my mouth closed and my cheeks puffed out to give it room and I tip toe over to her bed and tilt her chin up and look at her. My chest is hurtin’ ‘cause I can’t breathe with it in there, but I just wanna look at her for a bit. Even with her face shinin’ like it does, she’s so so pretty. It makes a different part of my chest hurt, the place where my heart is. It’s achin’. To touch. But I don’t touch too much.

Instead, I open her mouth, and I put mine down on hers, and I breathe her soul back into her body. I look down and keep my mouth there, ‘cause I gotta make sure it stays. If I turn before it stays, it could come back out and leave and then she’d be gone forever. But I see her chest rise and fall, rise and fall, and I know it’s stayed. And then I feel lips movin’ underneath mine and I blink and I jump and I back away. Miss Penny usually don’t wake up, and I can feel myself gettin’ hot and nervous and scared and I twist my fingers as she sits up and looks at me.

Already she seems better. She don’t look quite so pale. The sun is risin’, and it bleeds into the room and makes it red and gold and hot and sticky. But Miss Penny, tucked away in her corner, looks brighter than any day, and I don’t know why. I look over quickly and scared like to make sure Umi is still asleep. She is. I look back. Miss Penny is gettin’ outta bed and walkin’ over to me. Her nightgown is wet and makes parts of it easy to see through, and I clamp my eyes shut tight so that she don’t feel scared over it, but she takes my chin and I can feel her lookin’ at me, so I open my eyes and look back.

Her eyes are… deep. Dark. For a moment I think she’s sad and I open my mouth to say sorry, but she puts her finger over my mouth. I reach up and feel her forehead. It’s nice and cool. The fire’s finally passed. I nod my head and start to move to lay back under the bed, but she pulls my chin close and presses her lips to mine, so tight that I don’t think Miss Penny realizes I can’t move.

But I can if I needed to. Very easily. I could take a step away and run out the door and a long long way away. But I can’t seem to take that step. My eyebrows gone way up into my hair and I can’t feel my arms or my legs or even my lips that Miss Penny keeps kissin’ and holdin’ and touchin’. But she finally lets go and looks at me, and then her mouth makes a perfect o, and she smiles so slow and steady that my heart thumps once really loud and it sends sound and feelin’ back to everywhere and I can move again. But I don’t want to.

Miss Penny does it again, and my body loses everything again, and then she lets go and crawls back into her bed and falls back asleep. I just stand there and blink, ‘cause I ain’t too sure of what just happened, but my heart is still poundin’ hard and I’m hearin’ loud noises in my ears. All I know is I gotta get outta this house before Master finds me. I tip toe outta her room and close the door, down the hall and down the stairs and out the kitchen, and then I run and I run and I run with a big smile on my face.

Miss Penny’s lips still feel like they’re on mine, and I think if I run just the slightest bit faster, if I reach that hill I’ll keep runnin’ straight into the sky.

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 07:02:01 GMT

Miss Penny and Master are tellin’ Master David how nice he looks in his uniform. They are always tellin’ him how nice he looks. I don’t think he looks nice in his uniform. I don’t think he looks nice at all. But I am not asked to tell Master David how he looks, and I don’t think Master David cares what I think. I don’t think Master David thinks I think. Sometimes I don’t think I think, but then I think about Miss Penny or somethin’ and know I’m wrong.

Umi’s sewing him up and I’m looking through the window ‘cause Master still don’t let me inside the house, not since the night Mama died, and Miss Penny wants me to be pre-pared. Pre-pared for what, I ask? She just smiles her sweet sad pretty smile and says I want you to be pre-pared. I don’t know if she’s pre-paring anybody else. I let my mind wander to the last time I saw a man in gray, but I can’t remember it right now. I can never remember it. Miss Penny says it’s because it was too traw-matic (I asked her what that meant once and she said something really really bad happened), but I think it’s just another one of her stories. Miss Penny tells me a lot of stories. They’re very nice stories. I wish they were real.

Miss Penny said that right before she came home Umi told her that a man in gray saw me walking off the plantation grounds, goin’ to town to pick up something Master wanted for Miss Penny, and he got mad and hit me in the head with his big gun. There are lots of big guns around lately. I don’t wish that story were real, and maybe it happened ‘cause sometimes I feel a big old bump on my head and I can’t remember how I got it, so it’s kinda gotta be real otherwise I just got funny bumps on my head that I ain’t never noticed before. I ain’t never noticed a lot of things before. Like the way Miss Penny’s mouth makes a perfect o when she’s about to smile, or how when she turns her head quickly her hair falls down one two three like rain and it makes my stomach do flip flops all over.

She looks my way, and her mouth turns into a perfect o before she smiles, and my stomach does flip flops like it’s gonna hop right outta my mouth. I wish it would. Miss Penny’s prettier in this moment than any other girl I ever done met.

She signals for me to duck down and run away, and I do as she tells me and I run off before Master or Master David can look my way. I know Miss Penny’s gonna tell me what’s goin’ on later. By the light of the moon, I sneak over to the edge of the woods to where the wild flowers grow and I pick a whole bunch. She knows all their names and smells and why they growin’ where they growin’, all I know is they remind me of Miss Penny when she ain’t here and Miss Penny’s the only thing I got.

Miss Penny. Even her name makes me shake and I can’t figure out why. I sure do wish Miss Penny shakes when she thinks of me. It’s a nice shake. It’s like wakin’ up on a cold winters morning and findin’ someone next to you.

I run back to my hut ‘cause I know Miss Penny’s gonna be coming out, and I wonder if she’ll be staying over. She does sometimes. She gets in lots of trouble for it, and Master sometimes be hittin’ her when he finds out she does, but it never stops her. He always says ‘I’m gonna sell that damn nigger!’ and she fakes one of her attacks. Or gets a real one, I can’t ever tell. She been faking them so long now it’s getting real hard to tell when she’s faking and when she’s being real. But whenever Master sees her has a fit, she gets whatever she wants, and mosta the time she wants me to stay around. I ain’t ever figured out why. Maybe she just likes having somebody to talk about Mama with.

Mama was the prettiest lady I ever done saw till Miss Penny came back from her school one year. That’s when the flip flops started. She looked like she done gone away and growned wings and when she came back to earth she glowed with that light they always talkin’ about being around Jesus. She always started smelling good, and she started spending hot summer nights with me. I ain’t never knowed it, but I’d go to sleep alone and wake up and Miss Penny’d be sleeping on my chest. I shoulda panicked more, but Miss Penny looked so pretty sleeping I didn’t wanna wake her up. And it just kept going from there.

Miss Penny’s got this look in her eye when she’s about to fall asleep, like the whole world is perfect, and I think it’s the perfectest thing I ever saw. I wanna tell her how perfect it is, but I ain’t ever known words good enough. Perfectest is the perfectest thing I can think to describe it, but it’s so much perfecter than perfectest. It’s… the most perfectest thing I ever saw.

I ain’t gotta wait long. I slip under my blanket, with my flowers in my hand and thinkin’ of Miss Penny’s perfecter than perfectest eyes and Miss Penny comes sneakin’ through my door and sneaks under the blanket with me, sneaks the flowers outta my hand and sneaks a sniff at ‘em. Her mouth forms a perfect o, and then she smiles real slow, and I think that maybe for once in my life I done something right, ‘cause that ain’t her normal smile. That’s a new smile. And it makes my heart do flip flops around and around until I think I’m gonna be sick. There ain’t much light in here, but with what light there is I make sure Miss Penny’s got enough blanket to keep her warm, ‘cause Miss Penny’s way too small to be sleeping outside anyway, she gets cold real easy and then she gets sick and then Master yells at her and hits her when she gets outta bed. Then I just watch her as she tells me all about the war, and how Master David’s gonna go fight, and how Master’s gonna go fight someday too when he gets Miss Penny married so that there’s someone running the plantation who knows what they’re doin’.

I think I don’t want neither of them coming back. I don’t want her to get married. I don’t want no one new. I just want the world to stay forever like this until forever goes away. But I don’t say that to her. All I say is, “Good night, Miss Penny,” and lay down. I make sure not to touch her. I never touch Miss Penny. She always gets up and crawls towards me like she’s scared of being alone, and then I can sleep somethin’ real easy, listening to her sleep and feeling small soft hands holding me like there ain’t nothing else in the world.

I wake up extra early in the morning and she’s shaking and shaking. That’s how I can keep Master from findin’ out, he don’t like to get up this early, but I’m scared that all that shakin’ means she’s gonna get sick. I stand and pick her up and wrap her up extra tight in the blanket, and then I carry her back towards the house. Umi knows when Miss Penny ain’t in her bed at night that she’s sleeping down in the huts, but I don’t know if she knows Miss Penny’s sleeping with me. I dunno what Umi would do if she knew Miss Penny was spendin’ summer nights with me. I hope Umi never finds out. I don’t think I’d ever be able to sleep again if those summer nights were taken from me.

I carry her to the kitchen door, where Umi stands waiting. She’s the one who shakes Miss Penny awake, ‘cause I sure do like watchin’ her sleepin’, and then she gives me back my blanket and walks Miss Penny upstairs. I stand there for the longest time, watchin’ her go, and Miss Penny looks back over her shoulder at me like she’s gonna fall asleep where she stands. Miss Penny looks at me the whole way to the stairs, until she turns the corner, and I wanna think that she’s still lookin’ at me.

Miss Penny’s home. It’s hard not to smile.

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 03:09:22 GMT

I wash my hands and pray I never have to pick cotton again, but I know I do. I can see the days and the cotton stretch out before me, an endless field of bloody fingers and bein’ unable to hear the screams of a whipped man, the feeling of a dry throat and a sore headache and goin’ out rain or shine or snow or sleet or sick or health or a million other things I can't think of because I've never tried to before, but thinkin’ about it hurts my head so I don't think I will no more. This is my life, and I can see it going forward without pause, until Miss Penny returns from her school in Richmond. I would have been traded long ago, if Master had his way, but everyone knows Miss Penny is the one who makes the rules because Miss Penny is the one who makes the whole world go round, rain or shine or snow or sleet or sick or health in the morning or the night or in the middle of the day. Sudden changes upset her until she hides away into her own little world of tea parties and chocolate cake and toffee and dollies and dressing me up behind the Master's back in the middle of the night ‘cause she says I don’t need sleep to pick cotton all day and when she’s around I don’t ‘cause she gives me wings. And by the time she comes home, I’m needed too much. All the cotton needs to be picked, all the plants need to be picked, all the money needs to be gotten. It’s good to have someone who knows how to do those things around, and I know how to do those things, because I’ve been around for a long long time.

I pour the cold water over my cracked and aching hands and brood about her. It’s almost that time of year, when Miss Penny comes around back home from her fancy school all the way in Richmond. The birds sing, even at night, and it’s almost too hot for sleep. I’m always tired though. Tonight I know I’ll lie down and fall asleep as soon as my eyes close, dreamin’ of Miss Penny and her corn gold hair with the bright smile and the eyes that never seem to stay the same color for more than a second.

We all love Miss Penny, in our own ways. It’s hard not to. When Miss Penny comes home, it’s like Christmas for the white folk. For the first day it's all fun and games. We all eat cake, we all take a break. Or, at least Miss Penny’s favorites do. We’re not allowed in the house, but she sends out the leftovers. Me, and my friend, and his sister, and one or two others she always picks when she comes home. We never leave, we never go anywhere. Everyone else moves, everyone else changes masters like they change the peelin’ skin on their cracked hands, but not us.

If it weren’t for me, they woulda been gone a long time ago. Miss Penny and I share something. Both our mama’s were killed by the same man, at the same time, and we both saw it. It’s why the Master likes to keep Miss Penny happy, ‘cause her Mama got stabbed in the face nine times. My Mama just got strangled until her dark brown cheeks turned cold cold blue.

We both saw him, but he didn’t see us. He doesn’t know we know. He’s still out there, somewhere, and nobody knows it but us. He hasn’t killed again, though. Not that me or Miss Penny heard. We woulda heard.

She likes to talk about it. I don’t. Not really. But I have to, to keep Miss Penny happy. Miss Penny likes to be happy. Miss Penny likes to laugh. I like to make her laugh. It’s easy to do. She says I’m smart for a slave, but I don’t see what she’s talkin’ about. I’m not all that smart, not at all. Not like Miss Penny. I dry my hands off on my shirt before going back into the house. I lie on my blanket, put my hands behind my head, stare at the ceiling. I think. Miss Penny’s comin’ home soon. It’s the only thing that gets me up day after day.

~~

Miss Penny comes home today. Flowers are bloomin’ and bees are buzzin’ and Master is actin’ like the President is comin’ to our door. I don’t think Miss Penny likes to come home. I stand in the driveway as the buggy rolls up and think Miss Penny don’t look too happy to be here. I think Miss Penny looks paler than normal and I think Miss Penny needs to be hugged. I notice that her favorite flower ain’t bloomed yet and think Miss Penny came home mighty early. Her pretty gray green blue I don’t know what eyes look like cool lakes of dark dark blue. That means Miss Penny is unhappy. I don’t like Miss Penny unhappy. That means that she don’t laugh and Miss Penny not laughin’ is like the sun not shinin’.

I remember that she hasn’t liked sunshine the last few times she been home. She waits for rain and then goes outside to sit in the mud in a pretty new dress until Master starts yellin’ for her. Then she runs inside and Umi dresses her in some old ratty tatty dress she picked out and goes to see him, wet head and all.

I look up and see Miss Penny lookin’ at me. She’s got a white new lacy par-a-sol that makes her look like an angel flown down from heaven. Heaven don’t mean that all angels are happy. But when she sees me, she smiles for the first time. Her eyes remind me of winter fires and streams freezin’ over. I smile. We all smile.

Miss Penny’s home. It’s hard not to smile.

Master is going to greet her, but Miss Penny don’t like to be touched except by me and Umi. Mama used to be able to touch her, but Mama died. Miss Penny can’t forget that Mama died. Miss Penny is always talkin’ about Mama dyin’.

Umi is going to greet her, and curtsies in that cute way Miss Penny taught her before she went to that school. Then she tried to teach Umi the right way to curtsy, but found she liked the old way more so she stopped trying. I find that a good idea. Umi shouldn’t be gettin’ too many of them.

Miss Penny never calls me by my name in front of Master. It’s always Boy or You. Somehow I like it better that way. She points to me and says, “Boy, get my bags and bring them to my room.” I do as she says without speaking. She don’t like me to speak in front of Master, like she’s afraid I’m gonna say somethin’ wrong. I wouldn’t say nothin’ wrong. I never want to see Miss Penny to get hurt. I like to keep quiet, though, because sometimes I don’t think I know what is and ain’t wrong, and if I don’t say nothin’ Miss Penny won’t get hurt. But Miss Penny is always hurtin’. She never tells nobody, but we all see it from the tops of her flyaway hair to the bottoms of her silky feet.

But as the door to her room closes behind us it’s a different story. Miss Penny rushes at me with a hug and a tight grip that I can’t escape from even if I were to try, even if Master were to walk in and ask what the blazes was goin’ on. “Oh Bunny, I’m so glad you’re here,” she says, tears in her throat that I can’t wipe away no matter how hard I try, even if I pet the skin that's all bumpy right there.

Miss Penny’s home. It’s hard not to smile.

~~

Umi and I unpack her bags as Miss Penny sits aside, watching us with careful looks. She comes close and I can feel her breath. It smells as I imagine cinnamon to smell, sticky and sweet and warm. She looks like her skin is warm and soft. I don’t dare touch. She touches me, on the shoulder.

I know I’m older than Miss Penny ‘cause I remember Mama goin’ to help her outta her Mama, but that’s all I remember. Miss Penny has that look in her eye, the one that reminds me of cool cool water being poured on my hands. It’s the look that says, “Bunny, I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout your Mama.” I think she’s gonna send Umi out soon. I think she just likes to talk to me because I know what happened and I’ve been there to protect her for as long as me or her can remember. I think that I don’t wanna think about Mama no more.

I tense. I can feel her fingers on my shoulder. They’re soft and smell like chamomile must smell, warm and sugary and comforting. I don’t wanna talk about Mama. It’s here, I can feel the small breath against my neck. “Bunny, leave us.” I freeze. This is not what I’m used to. I’m unsure. “Now.”

I turn. I leave. I get the feeling I am no longer Miss Penny’s favorite. I cannot explain the clenching I feel in my chest.

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 02:21:18 GMT

It was strange. She was the type of girl that nobody ever expected to see down in the fields: pretty, flighty, blond. A sure mess of emotional trickery, because to all the men and women and children who watched her run down to her ‘playground’ every day she both tugged at the heart strings and disgusted them. Sometimes they’d see her sitting on the edge of the cotton field with her dolly- a dirty, stringy, barely together rabbit with one eye missing and a broken nose- and watching them, whispering a sly, offhand comment that the rabbit recorded somewhere in his sly, offhand brain. Men had tried to tell her that any other little girl her age and color wouldn’t be caught dead near those fields with suggestively playful yet grave winks, to which she would habitually and robotically recite, “Daddy is in Charleston and Mama’s got some friends over and Nanny don’t care none s’long as I don’t get hurt… none.” Nanny had told her to say it one day when she was just joking around, and it was as familiar to her five-year-old mind as much as everything else was, like the way that Mama wasn’t really a mother at all and she felt safer with Nanny, even if her skin was darker than dark, just like those funny folks who asked her the same question every day while picking the cotton. It was an automated response, one she gave even when her father was calling from the top of the hill or her mother was reading on the wide veranda, followed by her resting back down on her haunches to play patty cake with her dolly, the only friend of her age that she knew.

Of course, she knew the small kids down in the mock village where the black folk lived, but she wouldn’t call them friends. Mostly because it rolled off her tongue one day while talking to her mother and the slap she received had told her that to even consider befriending them was bad. That didn’t stop her from dropping by every now and then, however. She found her presence more puzzling in the heart of their meager homes than by the field, so she only visited occasionally, and usually on dark, cloudy days when the shadows from the cotton plants sent her running away screaming, the monsters reaching their tentacle like fingers out to grab her and take her away to the shadow kingdom beneath the soil.

Sometimes her older brother would follow her when she visited that tiny make-believe town that she often told her rabbit was ‘Browntown’. Those were the days when the older men would shoo the women inside and the boys would all sit on the ground, prepared to cover their faces. Even though he was only fifteen, David had a reputation. She didn’t like that. Once she saw him hit a boy for no apparent reason and cried out, “Don’t do that, you’ll hurt him!” David had laughed, apologized, pointed out a flower to her that diverted her attention, and continued with his reign of terror. Sometimes she would try to accost him with her rabbit, shouting out, “Leave them alone!” but he would just pick her up and carry her back to the house, dropping her into Nanny’s unfortunately unsurprised lap before returning to ‘Browntown’ to resume what he had started.

David was cruel, but life was crueler. At least once a week since she had first been allowed to waddle to the fields all by her lonesome on her fourth birthday (because for the event her parents had decided to leave town and go to the theater) she had had to witness at least one person being whipped. It had so upset her that she had rushed in to stop the atrocity, receiving a lash on her back. Her father had been so furious that he lashed the overseer himself, and then forbade her from going near the fields. Obviously, it hadn’t stopped her, but since then Nanny’s husband Watchdog had been told to lift her up and carry her kicking, screaming body away to another part of the field- just in case.

Usually the part of the field that he took her to was where his son stood, picking cotton. He would watch at least once a week as her small mind drifted from the brutal whippings to some bumblebee floating by and would watch her stumble all over the place chasing it. If nothing else to the slightly older Boy, she was amusement. She was a wild, short attentioned little thing who brought one of those rare yet beautiful smiles to his face. And then he would think about how carefree and flighty he wished he could be, and his small mouth would harden as he resumed his work. A squeal, a giggle, and that smile was back again, bright as ever.

One day she was sitting in the dirt when suddenly she jumped up and ran to Boy when Watchdog wasn’t looking, tugging on his hand. He was surprised at how soft her palm felt; like silk, he imagined. Like velvet. “Guess what?” she whispered. “Nanny is your mama.” He looked at her blankly, not understanding where she was going with her idea. “Well I know a secret about her.”

Boy looked at Watchdog, who looked back. “Get back to work, Tadelesh.” He nodded and resumed what he was doing, much to her apparent confusion. She tugged on his hand again, earning herself a glare.

“Your name is Tadelesh?” she asked, confused. He nodded. “I thought your name was Boy.” He nodded again. Frowning, she looked down in serious concentration, and the little furrow between her brows brought another crystalline smile to his face before the frown from disapproving Watchdog set him back to work. Five whole minutes passed in silence before she chirped, “Bunny!”

He looked at her, startled, as if he couldn’t believe a white girl could be that dumb. “What?”

“Your new name is Bunny,” she smiled, patting his arm and then holding up her dolly. “His name is Bunny, too. We like to go hopping together. Do you go hopping?” She proceeded to hop with both feet squeezed firmly together, chanting, “Hoppity hoppity hoppity.” Tadelesh could no longer contain his grin.

The supper bell rang. She stopped hopping. “Oh yeah! I know a secret about your mama. Bye!” He thought it very unfair that she was now skipping off the field to go eat supper and left him there not knowing what the secret was, but he thought maybe the white folk were rubbing off on her after all, so he just shrugged and continued his work.

Watchdog looked after her, chuckled, and sighed, bending back over to get back to work. “That Miss Penny sho’ is somethin’ else.”

~~

It was whipping day. Everyone could tell; the overseer had had one of his frequent fights with his wife, and his usually lax mood curdled, seeping over the fields with dread and terror. In this mood, he felt no mercy, felt no shame. Old, young, man, woman, hard working, lazy; none were factors anymore. It was just whomever he saw first.

Penny never felt the mood, though: today was just another bright, sunny day, the perfect day to go outside and play. “Bunny wants to go outside,” was what she would tell Nanny with a somber face, and she would nod absently and let Penny run off, working on her sewing. Penny always ran to the edge of the field and then paused, scanning an expert eye over the field before running more along the edge. Rabbit, her special name for the gray-bearded man who would watch her play, always worked as close to the edge of the field as possible so she wouldn’t have to run through the field, searching for him in hysteria, like she had originally done.

Rabbit always liked to joke with her that he was as old as the plantation itself, and Penny would widen her eyes and say in her loud, child-like whisper, “Wow Rabbit, that’s… that’s… that’s really old,” and then she would chant about how old Rabbit was and hop around, saying things like he worked for her daddy and other really old people. He never minded, he would just chuckle and continue on with his work, the child the only bright spot he had seen in all his years of working. Rabbit had been taking care of her in one way or another ever since she was born. Her father had been out of town that day, and Nanny had never been a midwife before. Rabbit and Lala, an older woman who Penny’s mother used to make sing for her and had since died, had to be in attendance to help the novice Nanny.

It was the wrong day to be down by the edge of the field. Penny was sitting in the dirt, singing random words in random rhythms as she piled it high, calling it Bunny’s castle and sticking a stick in the top to represent a flag, making the dolly walk up the sides and frowning in confusion when he would flop over backwards or the dirt would crumble. Rabbit was wary; last week he felt sure he would have been whipped for paying attention to her if somebody else hadn’t bungled up first. Now not only was she here, but Watchdog and Tadelesh had for some reason moved from their usual spot and Penny was trying to distract the younger from his work every few minutes, saying things such as, “I know a secret about your mama,” and, “I bet I could ask my daddy to let you work inside the house, if you wanted.” Rabbit was very, very wary.

The overseer was heading their way. Penny didn’t notice; the others did. She jumped up, dirt cascading down her skirt like dry rain, and went over to Tadelesh. “Hey Bunny,” she whispered to him, “if you go to the kitchens tonight, I can get you into the house so you can find out Nanny’s secret if you want.”

Rabbit overheard and said sternly, “Miss Penny, let him get back to work.”

“What did you say?” came the cold, angry voice of the overseer, and with a feeling of dread he turned to face the younger man, whose eyes were flashing with unjustifiable rage that made all in the area shiver with something that was a mixture of fear and anger. “Back to work!” came the typical, proceeding roar, and down came the whip.

Penny flew into hysterics. Watchdog had never seen her get so upset; in later years he would swear to have seen her foam at the mouth. “Let him go!” she screamed, so high pitched it startled the overseer, almost causing him to drop the whip. Almost. His aggravation at her disruption made him whip Rabbit harder. “Stop it! Stop it right now!” she screeched, and rushing forward she sunk her teeth into the mans leg.

It was the following cries of pain from the overseer that brought Penny’s father outside. He was used to hearing Penny’s ruckus, but he was unaccustomed to anything else. As obnoxious as it was, in a way he enjoyed it; it proved she had a good heart, even if she put it in the wrong places. Penny didn’t see him strolling inquiringly down to the field, just like she never saw much else that wasn’t inside the fragile bubble that was her world. But he saw her dart over to Rabbit and cling to him, sobbing loudly, “Don’t hurt Rabbit, don’t hurt Rabbit.”

“What’s going on?” was the first question out of his lips, allowing his eyes time to take in the scene. The blood pouring down the overseers leg, the rage on his face, the grubby hands that were holding onto the old mans shirt with a strength beyond their years as two older men tried to pry her off to no avail. “Leave her be,” he commanded, and down Penny went, left to crawl completely over him like a tiny, useless field, that could protect him from all ill will in the world. It touched his heart in all the wrong places. “Explain.”

“You see, sir, this damn nigger here wasn’t doing his work, sir, he kept talking to everyone around him like it was a damn holiday,” the overseer started in a bumbling voice, blinking in anger when Penny then snapped her teeth at him in her own protective rage. “I was just doing my job, sir, but when I started whipping him she lost it and bit me!” He nodded and took that all in, still observing the scene when Penny rolled off and ran over to the overseer, beating him on the leg with tiny fists he hardly felt until she touched the wound. Then the man roared, and started to brandish his weapon to punish her with until he found his master holding his wrist with a glare.

“Leave,” was the cold answer he got. He gave up his whip, and left. Penny suddenly found herself being lifted from around the waist and carried back up to the house under the arm of her father, kicking and screaming and flailing, shouting, “Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit!” all the way home.